RIP BILLY MAYS

Jason

Jason

Silver Member
Billymaysalphatoomega.jpg


Billy Mays used to be an American cokehead TV salesman famous for introducing a wide range of ass-kicking products. You probably know Billy Mays as that guy in the purple shirt that's always screaming at you about the awesomeness of his products from behind your television screen during infomercials, thus intimidating you into calling in and purchasing something you don't actually need. It is this unnerving high pitched squealing that has earned him Consumerama's "Naked Mole Rats of Marketing Award" in the lulzy field of "Shameless Consumer Abuse". He also has a TV show called Pitchmen.

In addition to his work in marketing some of the baddest household cleaning/maintenance shit the world has ever seen, Mays is also an early pioneer and expert in the field of EXTREME ADVERTISING, due to his aggressive marketing style and unexplainable need to always speak in ALL CAPS. He is additionally somewhat notable for looking like a bear, but is "not gay" according to TOW.



Billy Mays usually captures his audience's attention by busting on to the set of the infomercial like the Kool-Aid man on crack and begins yelling about the amazing power of whatever random gizmo he happens to be peddling that day. Those viewers who haven't suffered shock-induced heart attacks or fled the room in terror are now completely enamored by Billy Mays' marketing pitch. Mays then goes on to demonstrate how astounding his product is and how you cannot possibly go about your pathetic existence without it. He accomplishes this through many means, his deafening vocal style being one of them. Mays will also resort to stringing together a bunch of nursery school rhymes about the product (he's probably the only grown man who can get away with this) or throwing together over-elaborate "practical" demonstrations and showing how his product can overcome them with ease. For instance, say Mays is marketing a carpet cleaner; for a demo, he will bust into your house and spill a jug of red wine and a bucket of sheep's blood on your carpet, then piss on it just for good measure. He'll then break out the KABOOM! and get to work...or the OxiClean, or Orange Glo...or whatever the fuck works on carpets. And like magic, that stain has had its ass handed to it on a platter. But before leaving with just a simple goodbye and a phone number, Billy Mays continues his assault on your auditory senses and promises to double triple sextuple the offer for FREE! And he'll even throw in some Mighty Putty, a couple Hercules Hooks, an Awesome Auger, and a handjob, all for the low, low price of $19.95 - BUT ONLY IF YOU CALL WITHIN THE NEXT 30 SECONDS! Because they don't film these things ahead of time and run them continuously, you know.




Here are some typical Billy Mays moments:

HI, BILLY MAYS HERE FOR OXI-CLEAN. I'VE HEARD A LOT OF SHIT ABOUT THIS PALMOLIVE BULLSHIT, AND I'M HERE TO CLEAR ALL THAT UP. YOU FUCKING CUNT KNOW THAT OXI-CLEAN WILL TAKE THE HAIR RIGHT OFF YOUR DOG'S BALLS, LEAVING THE SKIN FRESH AND KISSABLE. OXI-CLEAN MAKES UGLY BITCHES DO-ABLE, AND I PERSONALLY PUT TWO SCOOPS IN MY COFFEE EVERY MORNING. IN CONCLUSION, FUCK YOU. FUCK THAT OLD BITCH. FUCK PALMOLIVE.





HI, BILLY MAYS HERE WITH KABOOM. DO YOU HAVE LOTS OF DIRTY SHIT IN YOUR HOUSE THAT NEEDS ALL CLEANED UP? THEN BUY SOME OF THIS GODDAMN KABOOM. THIS SHIT COULD CLEAN THE WARTS OFF YOUR SISTER'S VAGINA. YOU CAN PUT SOME KABOOM ON YOUR DICK, AND IT'LL GROW THREE INCHES. FUCK.

IN A FEW MINUTES, THERE WILL BE A GODDAMN NUMBER ON YOUR SCREEN. CALL THAT SHIT AND BUY SIX JUGS OF THIS FUCKING KABOOM AND WE'LL THROW IN A SAMURAI SHARK AND SOME GODDAMN ZORBEEZ. WHAT ARE ZORBEEZ? YOU BEST BE JOKING, SLUT. THOSE FUCKING TOWELS CAN SOAK UP LIKE A GALLON APIECE. YOU'LL PROBABLY NEED THEM AFTER YOU SHARPEN YOUR FUCKING SCISSORS WITH THE SAMURAI SHARK. BECAUSE YOU'LL SIMULTANEOUSLY SHIT, PISS, AND EJACULATE IN YOUR PANTS. HOW DO YOU PISS AND EJACULATE AT THE SAME TIME? FUCK YOU, THAT'S HOW. CALL ME NOW AND I'LL STOP YELLING. NEVERMIND, I CAN'T STOP SO FUCK YOU. I'M GONNA GO JACK OFF WITH SOME ORANGE-GLO.

SO CALL 1-800-781-7529 NOW AND TELL THEM BILLY MAYS SENT YOU

THAT NUMBER AGAIN IS 1-800-781-7529
THATS ONE EIGHT ZERO ZERO SEVEN EIGHT ONE SEVEN FIVE TWO NINE

NOW THAT I'VE BURNT THE NUMBER INTO YOUR FUCKING BRAIN, CALL NOW!
 
F

felinaferoz

The name is Margaret
Ed Mcmahn, Farrah Fawcette, Michale Jackson, and Billy Mays all in one weekend.

im startig to think theyres going to be a 27 and a 50 club, b/c Mj and mays were both 50
 
Rob.

Rob.

Admin
Staff member
RIP BILLY MAYS i will miss your beard.
Bawww, two icons down.
Why can't the ugly popular guys die? Like the jonas brothers?
Or Miley Cyrus?
 
DonaldM

DonaldM

Member
Margaret said:
Ed Mcmahn, Farrah Fawcette, Michale Jackson, and Billy Mays all in one weekend.

im startig to think theyres going to be a 27 and a 50 club, b/c Mj and mays were both 50
Click to expand...

Iz The Wiz also passed around 50 last week
 
B

brandt71

Member
this is how he really died....

he use to use soo much oxyclean that he discovered that he could use it as a drug..
then he became so addicted that not even rehab could bust his love for his oxyclean drug. after a while and a bunch of commercials he became to go crazy and overdosed and that was it..... =D
 
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